Hello there, It has been quiet here lately. Meanwhile, I have finished one great and memorable chapter of my life. Going through the last part of it included much struggle, yet especially grace and gratefulness. I have flown gently through all the scary things I had ahead of me a year before. As I checked some posts from that time, it is strange to see how much I wanted to stay away from it, and also how everything is different now. I must admit, that all through this year, gruadually without realizing it too much, I have learnt a lot and...in a way, have grown up. Only in the necessary though, and now I am ready for the next chapter, curious what adventures and stories it reveals.
However, that means this blog is over too. Maybe I will start a new one sometime but for now, I leave for the good days of my new reality, free like the wind.
Cheers
"Let's set the tigers free...I'm leaving for the great wide open plains "(live this summer, hopefully)
Spring has brought a new life, has woken me up with some youthful energy, as if I had been sleeping. The winter was nice, full of great things. Now, however, it seems a completely different level. All of a sudden, I found myself walking just in a t-shirt and remembered how desperately I had been waiting for the cold dull time to end. Birds accompany me to school every morning. I have been enjoying fresh vegetables for a snack. Raced with the wind on the old bike I share with my dad, had the first yet delightful picnic of the new season. But along all that, I feel a new energy in my mind. All of the changes and questions of the future, which seemed so heavy before, seem more like an adventurous challenge now. Practically, it means that I finally "plunged" into French (since I only have about 6 weeks to become a skilled speaker) for instance. It has been quite a joy so far. With all the new energy and new will for so many challenges of my current life, it might have been a little struggle to keep the balance. Sometimes there's too many great or needed things to do and the day seems so short. As I tried all through the winter, I will just keep on seeking the right things for each moment.
I spent some time in the 'reality' and had some rest from the modern technologies and the internet. It was nice...I have been somehow unconsiously searching for some essential way...have been yearning to find the pure life itself....I would catch a glimpse sometimes here and there, in the little ordinary things of the day, which however seem so precious...so real
It's the old grey-haired man who always gets reminded of a photograph I took when he sits on a train Or sitting in the theatre with my grandparents who understand the play from their own experience, looking around at people and listening to the character speaking in Russian. It's walking through the snow at night and tripping... Thery're all just echoes...
Some nice things I've liked lately:
- "Goodnight, you princes of Maine, you kings of New England!"
from The Cider House Rules and this little boy from the film
- My great pleasure has been time with a book, biscuits and black tea
- Reading On The Road in classes at school...and imagining my own journey
"The purity of the road. The white line in the middle of the highway unrolled and hugged our front tyre as if glued to our groove!"
-Watching all kinds of films at the weekends
Poetry?
It is the sound of summer in the rain
and of people laughing behind closed shutters
down an alley at night
(L.Ferlinghetti)
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence
- still spending ordinary but valued days in high school with my classmates....
the "aristocratic toilettes"
- Learning a lesson from The Little Women:
"Then let me advise you to take up your little burdens again, for though they seem heavy sometimes, they are good for us and lighten as we learn to carry them! Work is wholesome, and there is plenty for everyone, it keeps us from ennui and mischief, is good for health and spirits, and gives us a sense of power and independence better than money or fashion......make each day both useful and pleasant, and prove that you understand the worth of time by employing it well."
- "yeah if you give a little love, you can get a little love of your own"
- "Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be "
I had such a tough time with this part of my life. I admit, I am not good at driving....to be honest, I am terrible.
I knew along that it was an important experience for me, building me up in some way or perhaps preparing me for something difficult to come besides just crawling through the lessons since September. I knew all this, I even knew that maybe there was a reason why I should not get it and if so I would accept it. But it was hard, I kept spoiling every little thing and always forgot to watch for this or that...and my teacher yelled at me and was mean...and I tried things to get better, studied....and then I spoilt it again and often questioned my own abilities and wondered if there was any problem with me that I was just not able to drive normally. I was sorry for the lots of money that my parents gave for me and I kept disappointing everyone and myself too.
Finally, two days before the exams, the snow calamity arrived, I had my last drive which was probably one of my worst ones, was told and called all ridiculous things exept being encouraged.......But still and all along the way, I knew and believed that it was possible for me to make it, even despite my lame skills and reflexes, despite what the teacher sees, despite the crazy weather. It was the most logical that I fail...but that made it even easier for me to believe differently...because
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight."
I knew that maybe I wasn't supposed to pass but I never doubted that if it was His will, I would, despite anything. It was just really killing and weakening me that I felt I couldn't stand this anymore. I felt blue and beat.
Here are some bits of Isaiah that brought me encouragement and strengthened me in hope and trust. Also, I felt really blessed with my friends and family thinking of me and encouraging me all the time. Thank you
"He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." 40,29-31
"For I am the LORD your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you." 41,13
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. "41,10
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth. "
42,16
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze. "
43,2
So I went there, knowing that I myself would never get it, not relying upon myself, but hoping and expecting his grace and wisdom. I was ready for both, but I was thinking what a wonderful story it would be if after all of this trouble, fail and pain..he let me get it.
So, I passed the paper tests, then with the slalom and reverse driving, I got stuck in one place and thought I was done...but somehow I finished it, and then I was the last one out of the group to go driving in the city..and I made silly mistakes and thought it was over...but the policewoman let me pass! So I did get it....despite everything...even despite myself...who still messed up the drive...it was outside of me, not depending on me or my failures....just because of His grace.
I am writing this, because I can't keep it for myself....He gave me this story so He can use it.
I listened to this in the morning before I set out and could experience it later on
My friend and I started a tumblr page together for whatever experiences, interests, inspiartion and silly things we share....mostly captured in pictures(which we've already got loads of). But I think there's just no need of words sometimes... It is called "Poppy Strudel" :D (and there's no deeper meaning behind the name)
